What have you done: Two

The first thing I want to be remembered for is that I was/am a man of God. That is my primary relationship. Second only to that is my family relationships.

Frankie and I have been married for 34 years (as of this writing) and when I mention that to people in weddings I officiate or just in casual conversation the usual response is a “gasp” or “WOW!” Today, being married for over 30 years is a rarity. It is almost so rare it has the opposite connotations that it should have.

I remember how amazing it was that a man retired from work after being in one single company for over 50 years. They celebrated his life and commitment to this company for that long. But today that kind of longevity and commitment is a sign of a lack of skills and guts. The “movers and shakers” today change from company to company, building their resume’ and rising up with every job to a new level of responsibility and pay. For someone to stay in the same job for decades is unheard of today, and frowned upon because only unskilled troglodytes do that.

I believe it is getting to the point where marriage is like that too. People today don’t just say “wow” anymore, I notice an undercurrent of disguised insult in their invective. It is ALMOST (not quite there yet) a sign of quaint backwoodsy-ness to have been married for more than 10 years. Here is the pattern I see coming, or already here:

       
Age 18-25 we live together for a while, just for sex and fun. Now-a-days we even “try” it with both sexes just to show how open and accepting we are.

Age 25-30 we have a “starter” marriage where we see if this is what we want to do or not.
         
Age 30-45 we have our first “real” marriage out of “love” and really try to make it work. We have a few kids to seal the deal, letting the world know we are serious about this marriage thing.

 Age 45-50 we find someone exciting and new at work, at play or even at church and decide that excitement is better than the 10-15 years we’ve had with our spouse so we leave and split the children in two.

 Age 50-60 we flirt with younger, older or even same sex to try to get that old feeling back again.

 Age 60 and above we wonder why we have no good relationships and why our children don’t come around anymore now that they have a choice.

But THIS is the modern and enlightened way to relationships now. Those who stay married for more than 10-15 years are old fashioned and probably religious fanatics.

I would be proud to say like my parents that we have been married for 60+ years. Don’t let me fool you though into thinking that staying married is easy even in the BEST of situations marriage is a daily decision, even after 30+ years.

There is no such thing as an “easy” marriage. Just because we WANT it to be does not make it so. But, really, do you want the easy marriage? Do you really want something so easy that anyone can and will do it? The beauty of marriage is not that it “works,” whatever that means. The beauty of a marriage is a long, shared history with each other where you know which buttons to stay away from. That long history and shared commitment, shared decision to love, is what makes marriage amazing and, unfortunately rare.

But THAT is what I want to be remembered for….