What have you done: Two

The first thing I want to be remembered for is that I was/am a man of God. That is my primary relationship. Second only to that is my family relationships.

Frankie and I have been married for 34 years (as of this writing) and when I mention that to people in weddings I officiate or just in casual conversation the usual response is a “gasp” or “WOW!” Today, being married for over 30 years is a rarity. It is almost so rare it has the opposite connotations that it should have.

I remember how amazing it was that a man retired from work after being in one single company for over 50 years. They celebrated his life and commitment to this company for that long. But today that kind of longevity and commitment is a sign of a lack of skills and guts. The “movers and shakers” today change from company to company, building their resume’ and rising up with every job to a new level of responsibility and pay. For someone to stay in the same job for decades is unheard of today, and frowned upon because only unskilled troglodytes do that.

I believe it is getting to the point where marriage is like that too. People today don’t just say “wow” anymore, I notice an undercurrent of disguised insult in their invective. It is ALMOST (not quite there yet) a sign of quaint backwoodsy-ness to have been married for more than 10 years. Here is the pattern I see coming, or already here:

       
Age 18-25 we live together for a while, just for sex and fun. Now-a-days we even “try” it with both sexes just to show how open and accepting we are.

Age 25-30 we have a “starter” marriage where we see if this is what we want to do or not.
         
Age 30-45 we have our first “real” marriage out of “love” and really try to make it work. We have a few kids to seal the deal, letting the world know we are serious about this marriage thing.

 Age 45-50 we find someone exciting and new at work, at play or even at church and decide that excitement is better than the 10-15 years we’ve had with our spouse so we leave and split the children in two.

 Age 50-60 we flirt with younger, older or even same sex to try to get that old feeling back again.

 Age 60 and above we wonder why we have no good relationships and why our children don’t come around anymore now that they have a choice.

But THIS is the modern and enlightened way to relationships now. Those who stay married for more than 10-15 years are old fashioned and probably religious fanatics.

I would be proud to say like my parents that we have been married for 60+ years. Don’t let me fool you though into thinking that staying married is easy even in the BEST of situations marriage is a daily decision, even after 30+ years.

There is no such thing as an “easy” marriage. Just because we WANT it to be does not make it so. But, really, do you want the easy marriage? Do you really want something so easy that anyone can and will do it? The beauty of marriage is not that it “works,” whatever that means. The beauty of a marriage is a long, shared history with each other where you know which buttons to stay away from. That long history and shared commitment, shared decision to love, is what makes marriage amazing and, unfortunately rare.

But THAT is what I want to be remembered for….

What have you done: One

When you look back on your life … what have you done?

Maybe it is because I am getting older (in my mid 50’s as I write this) or maybe it is because my kids are getting older (my youngest turns 30 soon, that makes me feel old) or maybe it is because of my grandkids entering my life; but I am looking at my legacy while I still have a chance to influence it.

Your legacy basically is answering the question: What have you done with your life? What have you done with the seconds, minutes, hours, days, years, and decades that the LORD has given you? What have you done that you can look back on and be GLAD you did it (or didn’t do it). What have you done where God will say to YOU “Well done, good and faithful servant … here is your reward!” (Matthew 25:23)

I strongly believe you need to do this while you still have a chance to influence it. Even though you may be in your 20s and believe the world will open up for you with a red carpet welcoming you to your grand opening, you still should look at your legacy. Maybe a better way to look at it right now is: “What do you want to be KNOWN for?” When someone thinks of you, what comes to their mind?

So if you would permit me over the next few columns to wax reflective about my life, I pray that you will find some help in picking up that mirror and looking at your own life at the same time.

Buckle up, here we go …

What first and foremost come to mind are my relationships. I believe that EVERYTHING else is secondary to your relationships. After all you are commanded as a Christian and advised by every psychotherapist to spend time on your relationships for YOUR health and legacy as well as their future.

My first relationship is with my God. You may think that is easy for me because I am a pastor of a church, I have planted two churches which never existed before I came to town, I have taught and helped countless individuals in my ministry so I MUST have a great relationship with my God right? Well, no so fast. Two things come to mind when I think of my relationship with God.

First, I KNOW I have a gift from God and my church to be able to make my study of God my profession. That is a gift I can never repay. But just because it is my profession doesn’t mean that I am in the right place with God. After all, look at the Pharisees and teachers during Jesus time. Just because I wear the label Christian and Pastor, doesn’t mean that I actually am. So how REALLY is my relationship with God? When I pull back all the religious “stuff” how am I doing? That is as difficult for me to answer as it is for you.

Second, if I can answer with a positive or that I have a good relationship with God I must ask, “Compared to what?” I cannot compare my relationship with God with YOUR relationship with God. I MUST compare my relationship with God that I have now with the relationship I SHOULD have with him. I will always fall short on that account and so I must continue to strive to do better, no matter what my legacy of this relationship is now, it is never enough that I can sit back and say, “Finally, I made it. I have the BEST relationship with God possible!”

As I look at my legacy I want to be known as a “Man of God.” I want to have people say about me at my funeral, “No matter what else Steve was, we know he loved God.” That is the most important part of my legacy …

… which leads me to my next relationship …

That's Genius!

“That’s genius!” I had a friend say that to me the other day. It was a simple idea I had which came from a lot of studying and learning on a particular topic. While I could not quote where I got the idea from I know it was not too original, at best it was taking other people’s ideas and bringing them to a logical conclusion. At worst it was direct plagiarism where I could not name the actual author from the myriad of books I have read recently.

“That’s genius!” Got me thinking about the relationship between talent, hard work, and actual “smarts”. I ran across this quote from Adrian Van Zelfden: “Talent hits a target no one can hit. Genius hits a target that no one can see.” That quote resonated with me but I also must add that the genius he is talking about is not a natural occurance. I believe genius a part born-with-it “smarts” but a much larger part hard work. In fact, I believe unexercised “smarts” will not turn into genius but quite the opposite.

We do not grow INTO creativity and genius; we grow OUT of it. It takes hard work to become a genius. Just like most over-night sensations will tell you that it took a decade of unrecognized hard work to become and over-night sensation.

The good news is: genius at some level is attainable for everyone. You simply need to work VERY HARD for a decade and you too can become and over-night genius. Most are not willing to put in that hard work and have recently settle for fifteen minutes of internet or reality show fame.

The bad news is: if you don’t keep working towards it … you will lose what genius you already have. Whatever you don’t feed and water will wither away.

Anne Tyler begins her book “Back when we were Grownups” with this opening line: “Once upon a time there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person.”

Don’t be that woman.

A Shell-Less Egg

If you have ever been around chickens and eggs you have seen a shell-less egg. I currently manage about 20 chickens, feeding them and picking up their eggs. This week I came across a shell-less egg. There is a membrane just inside the shell, you will see it when you crack eggs open but here that is all holding the egg together: a thin membrane. It is a miracle it was not broken by other chickens since they tend to lay in the same “nest” and I will most often find a dozen eggs in one roost while the others sit unused. So here is this egg with no shell among nine other eggs fully shelled.

On the farm in Indiana where I grew up we had a “chicken house” where we had thousands of chickens for their eggs. One of my first jobs was collecting eggs and feeding chickens. We would run into shell-less eggs quite often but most of the time they were broken, rarely were they intact. When they were my mom directed us to bring them her and not throw them away. Our egg customers wouldn’t take them because they are not “perfect” but mom wanted them because they were the same to her. She took the shell-less eggs because she knew that if you treated them with a little care they were the same as shelled eggs. She baked with them and she made a breakfast of scrambled eggs and our favorite French toast. She treated them with a little care and they gave all of us exactly what “normal” eggs did.

I think that kind of sums up some people I know too. Some of us are born with something missing or some kind of disadvantage. Too often those are thrown away or beat up early while vulnerable. When all they need is a little care in the beginning and they will turn out the same as all of us.

In seventh grade all I cared about was basketball. School was only a means of being able to play basketball with my friends and against other teams. We had a small school so EVERYONE who wanted to be on the team was on it (we only had 8 boys in my 7^th grade class). But one of the boys in my class was small, really small and no matter how he tried he could not participate in the sports of his peers. Small and fragile among BIG Dutch farm boys who love nothing more than pushing and shoving each other in a game, this young boy was left on the sidelines.

I don’t know how and when it happened but he became one of my best friends in school. Sure he had a shell-less exterior but his insides were the same and he was a fun and funny, fantastic friend.

Sometimes those shell-less eggs are simply the best. All they take is a little care and understanding.