I Disagree

There are many ways to disagree with someone but it seems that in today’s society we have lost the art. We have reduced disagreement to an offense and nothing more. This eliminates the need for discourse, for simple talking, because the person is offensive and should not be public debate anyway.

Disagreement comes with it some basic assumptions. These assumptions should normally lead you to resolving the conflict or avoiding it. Here they are:

First, you assume that they are uninformed, and that once they know what YOU know, they will change their mind. This is more of an information problem or a marketing problem. So in order to come to some kind of resolution of the disagreement you must make sure you are all on the “same page.” You must make sure you terms are the same and your information is the same.

Second, you assume that they actually do not hear what they are saying. I have had many times where my words simply were not making sense to the other person because they simply did not have the frame of reference for what I was talking about. This is resolved, again, by making sure you are using the same terms for the same actions or thoughts. AND by patiently backing up and defining what ball park you are in. Most of my times with this difficulty are with computer geeks who, even though they were speaking English, seemed like they were speaking “Greek” to me.

Third, you assume that they simply see the world differently than you do. This where most political discourse happens. This is where you simple say, “You and I just come from different worlds and will never see this the same.” Instead of arguing the point or trying to get your side of the disagreement heard, you must assume they heard it and simply don’t agree with you. This is hard, because from your perspective your side is the most logical, practical and realistic way to believe, but they simply won’t accept that. Okay, that happens, and most of the time we get used to not discussing that topic as friends or simply stay away from each other is non-friends. Agree to disagree.

Fourth, and most prevalent today, is the assumption that the person you are disagreeing with is a total dolt, loon, or a misguided zealot who refuses to see the truth. Their selfish desire to win interferes with their understanding of reality. This is what political discourse has degenerated to. We resort to name calling and taking offense at those who disagree.

Most of us today skip right to the fourth assumption instead of running through the list of the first three. There actually are countless uninformed people, craven zealots, and yes, in fact, we usually hear what we want to hear instead of hearing what the person is actually telling us. We hear what we expect and jump to conclusions and answers before they are even done with their last sentence. It takes work to disagree with someone but it is usually worth it because that is the only way to resolve differences and the only way to understand each other.